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Quotes from Acatalepteron II

Over the past several weeks I have added several delightful new quotes to my repertoire. Some of them are incredibly useful, while others are absolutely ridiculous and would never even be noticed except by someone with as many improperly aligned brain-cells as I have. I've tried to select a representative sample. Have fun with them, and please note that by finishing reading this sentence you are entering into a legally binding agreement to use them to annoy innocent and unprepared civilians at every opportunity ¹.

“Be what you seem to be, or if you’d like it put more simply—Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.” - Charles Lutwidge Dodgson (aka. “Lewy”)
This one is a little long but you'll find it's not that hard to use. You don't actually have to memorize the entire thing, just babel on about appearing, and use the word “otherwise” a lot, and unless they have the actual quote in front of them nobody will know the difference. This quote should be used to mock someone who says a very simple thing in a very complicated way.
Be warned, it is very subtle, and unless you have a friend with you who is also familiar with it, you may not want to use it because everyone will just stare at you in confusion. If, however, you have a friend present they can chuckle knowingly.

Sample Use: YOUR FRIEND: “For dinner tonight I utilized a three pronged instrument to consume a solanum tuberosum. I concurrently utilized a cylindrical object to aid in my intake of di-hydrogen-oxide."
YOU: “Or if you’d like it put more simply—Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”

 

2. “If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.” - George Bernard Shaw
   This one is a bit more serious than the others, but sometimes that's good. I think it speaks well to the human situation, and some times I just get fed up. Really this is nothing, just wait till I start to throw in some political quotes.
   
   Sample Use: YOUR FRIEND: “I just tried dating two girls at the same time again and they found out and beat me up. This is the sixth time I've been beaten up by girls this year. I just don't get it. It was totally unexpected.”
   YOU: “If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.”

    

3. "It is better to be quotable than to be honest." - Tom Stoppard
   This is the quote you should use when someone points out that another quote you used is absolutely ridiculous and doesn't actually aply to the situation.
   
   Sample Use: YOU: "A good artist borrows, a great artist steals."
   YOUR TEACHER: "That doesn't mean you can hand in a paper you got off the Internet. Whoever said that was lying."
   YOU: "It is better to be quotable than to be honest.”
   YOUR TEACHER: “That's not true either. All these quotes are lies.”
   YOU: “It is better to be quotable than to be honest.”
   (Sorry this Sample Use was so long, but I was busy and as Blaise Pascal once said, “I have made this longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”)
    

^1. You also agree to be my towel boy.

Quotes from Acatalepteron I

2.2006