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Hjarlf, rather like most people, was born. Where and when specifically this occurred is a matter of little importance, which is probably for the best as this information is lost in the mists of time.
Destiny never guided Hjarlf. Fate never smiled on him. Indeed, Destiny and Fate found Hjarlf too inconsequential to bother with. Fate was busy plotting the demise of Yrilq son of Thrprt. And Destiny wrote Hjarlf off as just another dumb barbarian and doomed him to an early death. Which just goes to show that even Destiny can be an ignorant judgemental bastard at times.
Near the land where Hjarlf was growing up, there was a village which was being ravaged by a dragon. This amazingly unique occurrence was the source of much consternation among the village elders, who made a pact with the beast. The dragon promised not to attack the village and eat everybody, and the elders would send a young virgin to the dragon every three months. So everyone was happy. Except for the virgins who got eaten, and their families. And their friends. And those who weren't chosen, because they felt nervous and guilty. And the dragon wasn't getting quite enough to eat. And the village elders were afraid that the townsfolk might riot. So in fact, absolutely no one was happy at all. This is called a "compromise." However, this is not the story of compromise. Instead, it is the story of one Hjarlf, who, as you may recall, was doomed by Destiny to an early death.
In the village of late, a wise man had posted HELP DESPERATELY NEEDED notices throughout the realm in the sort of places frequented by Heroes and Heroines and also by people who wish to get drunk. These places are called "bars." However, this is not the tale of a bar, but rather of Hjarlf.
When Hjarlf arrived at the village, the twenty-sixth Hero had just fallen. Now, twenty-seven is a number of great occult significance. Three is the basic number of magic (except for binary-based spells) and twenty-seven is three threes, which means that if twenty-six great heroes have fallen, surely the twenty-seventh will succeed. This is called "superstition" or "a load of crap." But this is not a story about superstition. Let us return to Hjarlf.
When Hjarlf arrived, he was cornered by the townsfolk, who mistook him for a hero. They pointed out that he was the twenty-seventh hero to come to the town and that they were about to sacrifice the twenty-seventh virgin to the dragon. This is called a "coincidence."
Hjarlf would have no part of this at first. Then the townsfolk showed him the maiden who was to be sacrificed. Hjarlf would still have no part of this. Thereupon, he bespoke the famous utterance "Are you insane? How can I succeed when twenty-six have failed?" Then one man bespoke the famous saying "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again." Hjarlf pointed out that if he at first did not succeed, he could not, in fact, try try try again, because he would be dead. This is called "common sense."
Unfortunately, the townsfolk didn't agree and subsequently tied Hjarlf up and set him out with the virgin. Now, it is a little known fact that the average dragon cannot tell the difference in taste between a virgin and a non-virgin. The myth was first put out by a dragon of above average intelligence as a form of agriculture. She reasoned that there was a inverse correlation between the number of virgins in the world and the total number of people. So the more virgins who could be convinced to change their lifestyle, the more humans there would be to eat. Unfortunately, the dragon failed to reckon on one thing - heroes. She was slain shortly after making the pronouncement. This is called an "irrelevant digression."
This was the moment Destiny had planned. Unfortunately, Destiny was currently lying in a gutter somewhere, blind-drunk. So Hjarlf was able to free himself and then to untie the girl. At her insistance and over Hjarlf's stringent objections, they returned to the town. This could have been a very bad move. The dragon erupted from its cave like a terrible simile, swearing to kill everything in its path. After flying past eighteen trees and roughly twenty-five thousand blades of grass, the dragon amended this to "every human." This is called "flip-flopping" and it made the dragon ineligible to run for president, which would not matter anyway, as we are about to see.
As the dragon approached the town, it saw a man standing in the road. Gleefully, it prepared to make its first kill. This man, as you may have guessed, was Hjarlf. The dragon exclaimed "Prepare to die!" Hjarlf nodded and called out "That might take a little while. Be patient." Never one to shrink from a fight, Hjarlf unhooked his battleaxe from his belt and made ready to fight. The dragon decided that Hjarlf had had enough time to prepare, and as it opened its jaws, it was struck by lightning and died instantly. This is called a "deus ex machina."
Hjarlf was greatly acclaimed by the townsfolk as a liberator, but soon decided to move on. As time passed, he grew a beard. Destiny soon lost track of him altogether, and decided that if she ignored him, maybe Hjarlf would go away. This did not happen, and Hjarlf soon became known throughout the land for his almost supernatural ability to turn a quiet room of people into a boisterous tavern brawl. Eventually, all the major insurance providers of the land added an "Acts of Hjarlf" exclusion clause to their policies. Hjarlf always felt slightly embarrassed about the Dragon Incident, and trained hard so that the next time something like that occurred, he would not have to depend on a lightning strike. After several decades of adventuring, Hjarlf briefly surpassed even Vlork the Indestructible at sheer carnage, and subsequently retired. He now writes an advice column whenever he feels like it and collects battleaxes. If you would like Hjarlf to answer any questions or give you any advice, you can contact him at Hjarlf@gmail.com.
 

2.2006